Therapy Corner- According to LaShonda

When the World Teaches You to Hide

For so long, I thought intimacy started with someone else.

The look in their eyes. The warmth of their touch. The feeling of being wanted.

But what I’m learning — painfully, beautifully, and slowly — is that intimacy begins with being seen by yourself.

And that’s hard when you’ve spent years hiding parts of who you are just to survive in a world that studies your body before it ever listens to your story.

Black women are often seen through the wrong lens — too much, too loud, too sensual, too strong. Our bodies are praised and punished in the same breath. And when you grow up hearing all those contradictions, it’s easy to start shrinking, performing, or protecting instead of simply being.

“Intimacy isn’t about exposure — it’s about acceptance.”

The Difference Between Being Looked At and Being Seen

There’s a difference between someone looking at you and someone seeing you.

To be looked at is to be judged, measured, compared.

To be seen is to be witnessed — fully, freely, without expectation.

The Black body has always existed under the gaze of others. History has taught us to be careful with our skin, our curves, our hair, our very presence. That constant awareness can disconnect us from our own desire and pleasure, replacing softness with self-protection.

But learning to be seen starts when you take back that gaze — when you decide that your body isn’t a performance, it’s a home.

“My body isn’t up for debate. It’s where I live, and I deserve to live here in peace.”

The Work of Softness

Softness is rebellion when the world expects you to be unbreakable.

Learning to be seen means learning to let yourself feel — the joy, the grief, the awkwardness, the pleasure. It means letting your guard down long enough to say, “This is me today,” without apology.

It’s not easy work. It’s vulnerable, messy, and sacred. But it’s how we return to our bodies — by choosing them, every day, even when we don’t feel beautiful.

A Reflection Forward

My journey toward intimacy is still unfolding.

But I’m starting to understand that being seen — truly seen — begins with honesty. With mirrors that don’t lie. With relationships that honor your truth.

This is what Sex for Every Body is about: the freedom to be seen and loved as we are, not as we’re expected to be.

Because when we learn to be seen, we also learn to heal.

According to LaShonda

The Silent Struggle Beneath the Sparkle

“For many, the holidays are not the most wonderful time of the year—they’re the heaviest.”

The holiday season brings lights, laughter, and the expectation of joy. But for those who are grieving, including me, it can also bring emotional exhaustion, loneliness, and a longing for someone who isn’t here.

Grief doesn’t pause for celebrations. It sits quietly at dinner tables, in empty chairs, and between verses of familiar carols. It can make joy feel like betrayal and peace feel out of reach. I describe it as an emotional roller coaster.  I want to be happy and experience happiness, and then the next moment I’m overwhelmed with sadness and guilt.  Why am I celebrating when I should be sitting in a corner, sad? That’s not always reality.

Why the Holidays Hit Hard:

The holidays are powerful emotional markers. They stir memory and meaning—two things that grief amplifies. Whether it’s the smell of your loved one’s favorite dish or the sound of their favorite song, reminders can flood your heart with both love and loss.

Common Experiences Include:

• Emotional whiplash: Feeling joyful one moment and tearful the next

• Survivor’s guilt: Wondering how to celebrate when your loved one cannot

• Social fatigue: Pressure to attend gatherings when you’d rather rest

• Isolation: Withdrawing to avoid awkward questions or painful reminders

“You’re not broken for struggling through the holidays. You’re grieving in a season that demands joy.”

Finding Meaning Without Pretending

It’s possible to honor your grief while still engaging with the holidays—on your terms. Healing doesn’t mean forcing cheer; it means allowing authenticity.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Let your emotions come as they are—without guilt. Grief and gratitude can coexist. One doesn’t cancel the other.

2. Create a New Ritual

Honor your loved one in a meaningful way. Light a candle in their memory, cook their favorite meal, or set aside a moment of silence before family dinner.

3. Redefine “Celebration”

You don’t have to do it all. Maybe celebration looks like rest, reflection, or quiet connection. It’s okay to simplify traditions or skip events that feel too heavy.

4. Ask for What You Need

If gatherings feel overwhelming, communicate your limits. Let loved ones know you may need to step outside, take a break, or leave early.

5. Seek Support

If sadness lingers or deepens, reach out for help. A grief counselor or support group can provide safety and validation.

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💬 Pull Quote

“Grief doesn’t demand we forget; it invites us to love differently, in memory and in meaning.”

A Therapist’s Reflection

I often tell my clients: healing through the holidays isn’t about replacing the past—it’s about learning to live beside it.

There’s no single way to “do” the holidays in grief. Some years you may decorate; others you may stay home with tea and tears. Both are valid.

Grief is love without its home, and it deserves room at the table, too.

Closing with Hope

The holidays can be heavy, but they can also be healing. In between the noise and the lights, there’s space for stillness—space to remember, breathe, and simply be.

Affirmation:

“I honor my grief as an expression of love. I allow myself to celebrate, rest, or simply exist in peace.”

If You’re Struggling

• U.S.: Dial or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

• Japan (English line): TELL Japan – 03-5774-0992

• Online Therapy Resources: PsychologyToday.com | EMDRIA.org

Healing in Motion: How Traveling the World Helped Me Grieve and Grow

There’s a quiet kind of healing that happens when you’re in motion—when the plane lifts off, and the familiar fades into clouds. I didn’t set out to “heal” when I started traveling; I just needed space to breathe. Yet somewhere between airport gates and ocean sunsets, I found myself confronting the parts of me that had long gone silent—the ache of missing my mother, the weight of family I could no longer call, and the friendships that time and loss had tenderly closed.

“Sometimes the healing you need doesn’t happen at home—it happens on the road, where the world holds a mirror to your soul.”

The Healing Power of Distance

Grief is heavy when it stays still. I learned that leaving familiar places—especially around the holidays—gave me permission to feel differently. In Paris, I felt my mother’s grace in the way light danced on the Seine. In Kenya , I felt the ancestral strength of those who came before me. In each country, I met strangers who offered kindness that stitched me back together, one gentle word at a time.

Travel didn’t erase the pain; it redefined it. It showed me that loss and beauty can exist together—that you can laugh deeply even while your heart remembers.

Traveling Through the Holidays

The holidays have always been hard. The twinkling lights remind me of family dinners, laughter, and traditions that now live only in memory. So instead of sitting in the silence, I choose to travel—to honor them differently.

In a new country, I light a candle in their memory. I visit a local market and buy something they would have loved. I write postcards I’ll never send, whispering words of gratitude for the time we shared.

“Grief doesn’t vanish—it travels with you. But when you move, it transforms.”

Finding Connection in Every Corner

Travel taught me that love doesn’t end with death—it expands. Each destination gives me new ways to honor my mother’s nurturing, my friends’ laughter, my family’s joy. I feel them in the sunrise over the Pacific, in the rhythm of music in a bustling square, in my own laughter echoing back at me.

When I meet people from around the world, I’m reminded that loss is universal, but so is resilience. We may speak different languages, but the language of love and remembrance is the same.

Closing Reflection

Traveling the world has become a portion of my therapy, my prayer, and my way of staying connected to those I’ve lost while continuing to live fully. This journey isn’t about escaping grief—it’s about transforming it into gratitude.

“The world became my sanctuary, and in every horizon, I found a little more of myself.”

-According to LaShonda

Why I’m Writing This Now

Lately, I’ve been sitting with my reflection — not just the one in the mirror, but the one that lives inside of me. The older I get, the more I realize how much of my self-image was shaped long before I ever had a say in it. Between social media filters, cultural standards, and the subtle messages we absorb as Black women, it’s easy to lose sight of who we truly are.

Writing this is my way of coming home to myself — and inviting others to do the same.

“Sometimes the truth gets tangled in what the world tells you to believe about your body — especially when that body is Black and woman.”

The Mirror and Me

I’ve spent years learning to see myself. Not the “selfie” version or the filtered one, but the raw, unedited image that stares back at me when the world gets quiet. For a long time, I didn’t know that what I saw in the mirror wasn’t always real. I thought it was truth.

But sometimes, the truth gets distorted — reshaped by what the world tells you is beautiful, acceptable, or enough.

The Black Body in the World

Growing up, the Black body was both celebrated and critiqued — desired but misunderstood. Our curves were praised in one space and policed in another. Our hair was “too much,” our skin “too dark,” our lips “too full.”

It’s exhausting trying to exist in a body that the world wants to edit. That constant scrutiny can make you question what’s beautiful, what’s enough, and ultimately… what’s you.

“It’s not about changing how we look — it’s about healing how we see.”

The Quiet War

Body dysmorphia isn’t just about wanting to look different — it’s about struggling to see yourself clearly. It’s the quiet war between your reflection and your reality.

For Black women, that war can feel generational. It’s wrapped up in colorism, Eurocentric beauty ideals, trauma, and the never-ending expectation to be both “strong” and “flawless.”

Listening Instead of Fighting

Over time, I realized my healing began when I stopped fighting my body and started listening to it.

When I stopped asking it to shrink, to soften, to blend in — and instead asked, “What do you need to feel loved?”

That question changed everything.

“Our reflection doesn’t need to be fixed — it needs to be understood.”

A Love Letter in the Making

This exploration led me to my dissertation  project— Sex for Every Body.

It’s a love letter and self help manual to the parts of ourselves that have been silenced by shame and distortion. It’s about intimacy, identity, and the sacred relationship we build with the skin we live in.

As I move deeper into this work, I’m learning that our bodies have always known the truth: we are worthy, even when we don’t recognize ourselves.

🌿 A Glimpse Ahead

Sex for Every Body is the next chapter in this conversation — one that explores how Black women experience intimacy, desire, and self-acceptance when body image and cultural identity collide.

My hope is that this journey creates space for honesty, softness, and collective healing. Because we deserve to see ourselves — fully, freely, and without apology.

According to LaShonda

The Changing Season, the Changing Mood

“As the days grow shorter and the air turns colder, many people find that the darkness outside mirrors the heaviness within.”

As the air turns crisp and daylight fades, many of us notice a shift in our emotional rhythm. For some, shorter days bring cozy routines and reflection. But for others—especially those grieving a loss—this seasonal transition can awaken an ache that feels heavier than the cold itself.

Grief lingers and resurfaces in unexpected waves. When paired with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)—a type of depression linked to reduced sunlight—the emotional fog can feel overwhelming. Holidays, anniversaries, or the silence of winter evenings can amplify feelings of loneliness and fatigue.

Understanding the Overlap

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) often begins in late fall or winter and may include:

• Persistent sadness or low mood

• Fatigue and loss of motivation

• Increased sleep or appetite changes

• Withdrawal from social connections

Grief is the natural emotional, physical, and cognitive response to loss. It shows up as sadness, tension, exhaustion, guilt, and difficulty concentrating.

When grief and seasonal depression intersect, the result can be a deep sense of emotional heaviness. The body slows down, the mind becomes foggy, and the heart aches for what once was. Even if time has passed since the loss, certain seasons reopen old wounds.

“You’re not broken—you’re human. Your mind and body are simply responding to both memory and biology.”

Common Emotional Themes

1. Loneliness amidst celebration – Feeling disconnected when others seem joyful.

2. Emotional exhaustion – The effort to “keep it together” drains precious energy.

3. Guilt for not feeling festive – Social pressure to “cheer up” deepens isolation.

4. Anniversary reactions – The return of certain dates, smells, or songs can trigger emotional floods.

There is nothing wrong with feeling out of sync during the holiday season. The human heart remembers—even when the world keeps moving.

Therapeutic Coping Strategies

1. Light and Movement

A few minutes of sunlight daily—or using a light therapy lamp—helps regulate mood. Pair it with gentle movement like stretching, walking, or trauma-conscious yoga to encourage emotional release.

2. Structure and Routine

Both grief and depression thrive in isolation and unpredictability. Create daily rituals: light a candle each morning, journal before bed, or plan weekly check-ins with loved ones. Routine anchors the mind.

3. Connection and Support

Reach out—to a friend, family member, or counselor. Connection reminds us that healing happens in community. We were never meant to grieve alone.

4. Mindful Remembrance

Don’t silence memories; honor them. Write a letter to your loved one. Create a memory box. Celebrate a birthday or milestone in your own meaningful way.

5. Professional Help

If the heaviness lingers, therapy can help you process both grief and seasonal triggers. Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can reduce emotional reactivity and restore hope.

“Healing doesn’t always mean pushing through—it sometimes means allowing stillness to teach us patience and compassion for ourselves.”

A Therapist’s Reflection

Over the years, I’ve seen how grief and seasonal depression intertwine—what many describe as an emotional freeze. Healing often begins not with movement, but with permission to rest.

Some days, progress looks like tears. Other days, it’s simply opening the blinds. Every small act of care is a declaration: I am still here.

Closing with Hope

Grief, like the seasons, changes shape. What feels unbearable today may soften over time. Light always returns—even after the longest winter.

Affirmation:

“I will allow myself to feel what I feel. My grief deserves gentleness. The light will return, and I will rise with it.”

If You’re Struggling

U.S.: Dial or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Japan (English Line): TELL Japan – 03-5774-0992
Online Therapy Resources: PsychologyToday.com | EMDRIA.org

By LaShonda H. Henderson, LMHC, LPC, CCTP, EMDR-Certified Therapist
(L&L Clinical Counseling Services, LLC)

May is National Masturbation Month ( I know its almost November )— and no, we’re not kidding. There’s an actual month dedicated to solo pleasure. While it may spark a giggle (or an awkward glance), it’s also the perfect time to open up a conversation many people still tiptoe around: masturbation.

Let’s be real — everyone’s doing it, has done it, or is at least thinking about it. Masturbation is a normal, healthy, and often very enjoyable part of human sexuality. It’s not dirty, shameful, or something only teenagers or “lonely people” do. It’s actually a powerful form of self-care — one that comes with a surprising number of physical, emotional, and relational benefits.

So, put on your curious cap (and maybe dim the lights), and let’s talk about why touching yourself isn’t just okay — it’s actually pretty fantastic.

 Quick History Lesson: Why May?

National Masturbation Month was launched in 1995 after sex-positive pioneer Dr. Joycelyn Elders was fired from her role as U.S. Surgeon General for suggesting that masturbation be included in sex education. That’s right — fired for advocating solo pleasure as a healthy topic for discussion.

So, in honor of that moment and all the hands-on healing that followed, May became the month to destigmatize the most natural of pastimes.

The (Actual) Benefits of Masturbation

Besides being a great way to kill time without leaving the house, masturbation has real benefits backed by science:

1. Stress Relief
   Orgasm releases a cocktail of feel-good chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins — aka, the ultimate internal spa day.

2. Improved Sleep
   A little solo session before bed can help you drift off faster than counting sheep ever could.

3. Better Mood
   Masturbation isn’t just about release — it can lift your spirits, regulate your mood, and help decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.

4. Boosted Body Awareness
   When you explore your own body, you learn what you like. That’s gold when it comes to communicating your needs with a partner later on.

5. Enhanced Sexual Function
   Regular self-stimulation can improve arousal, lubrication, and orgasmic response. Like any good system — use it or lose it.

6. Pain Management
   Some people find that masturbation can help relieve menstrual cramps, tension headaches, or pelvic pain. Who needs ibuprofen when you have an orgasm?

But Is It Normal?

Yes. Yes. And one more time for the people in the back: Yes.

Masturbation is not only normal — it’s nearly universal. People of all genders, orientations, ages (within healthy developmental ranges), and relationship statuses masturbate.

Even people in committed relationships masturbate — and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with their sex life. In fact, solo pleasure can enhance partnered sex.

Busting the Myths

Let’s debunk a few classics:

• “It’ll make you go blind.”
  Nope. Not even if you do it with the lights off.

• “It’s only for people who aren’t getting any.”
  False. Masturbation is about self-love, not desperation.

• “It’s sinful or shameful.”
  Healthy sexuality is not immoral. Shame, not pleasure, is the real thief of joy.

🔄 Self-Love is Full Circle

Whether you call it self-love, solo play, stress relief, or your “me time,” masturbation is a personal and powerful practice. It connects you to your body, reduces shame, and supports emotional and sexual health.

And remember: talking about masturbation doesn’t have to be taboo. In fact, embracing the conversation — even with a little laughter — helps break down the shame walls that block so many people from fully experiencing sexual wellness.

Closing Thoughts

This month, consider this your permission slip to get curious about your own pleasure — no judgment, no pressure. Whether you’re a regular explorer or still figuring things out, masturbation is one way to honor your body, regulate your mind, and deepen your relationship with… you.

So go ahead — give yourself a hand. You deserve it.

-According to LaShonda

LaShonda Henderson, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Sex Therapist (Under Supervision)

Sex therapy often gets a side-eye—misunderstood, misrepresented, and at times, entirely overlooked. Many people assume it’s only for couples in crisis or those experiencing extreme sexual dysfunction. In reality, sex therapy is a rich, nuanced field that goes far beyond performance and desire—it’s about connection, healing, communication, and self-discovery.

Understanding Sex Therapy: It’s More Than Just “Sex Talk”

At its core, sex therapy is a form of talk therapy designed to help individuals and couples address concerns around intimacy, sexual function, desire, and relational dynamics. But let’s be clear—it’s not about someone prescribing positions or handing out sexy tips (though education can be a part of it). It’s about helping people reconnect with their bodies, challenge limiting beliefs, and foster deeper intimacy—emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Sex therapy can explore:

• Body image and self-esteem issues
• Sexual trauma or shame
• Mismatched libidos or desire discrepancies
• Erectile difficulties, pain during sex, or other physiological concerns
• Communication breakdowns around sex and intimacy
• Cultural or religious beliefs around sexuality
• Relationship transitions like postpartum, menopause, or aging

The Nuances: Why It’s Not One-Size-Fits-All

One of the most powerful aspects of sex therapy is that it respects the uniqueness of every individual and relationship. There’s no universal formula, no single definition of “healthy” sex—just a commitment to helping people define what’s fulfilling and authentic for them.

Sex therapy is also intersectional. It often weaves in discussions around identity, race, gender, trauma, orientation, and neurodivergence. A good sex therapist doesn’t shy away from the complexity—they embrace it.

How Sex Therapy Can Improve Your Relationships

Let’s be honest—intimacy (or lack thereof) can create major stress in relationships. But when approached with openness and support, it can also be a pathway to transformation.

Here’s how sex therapy helps:

• Improves Communication: Talking openly about needs, fantasies, fears, and boundaries deepens trust.
• Builds Emotional Intimacy: Many couples find that tackling sexual issues opens the door to emotional closeness.
• Strengthens Connection: With better understanding of each other’s bodies, desires, and experiences, intimacy becomes less transactional and more relational.
• Reduces Shame: Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore sexual identity and release long-held guilt or fear.

How It Can Change Your Life

Even outside of a relationship, sex therapy can be a powerful personal journey:

• It can help you heal from past trauma.
• It can improve your relationship with your body.
• It can teach you to advocate for your pleasure and needs.
• It can empower you to redefine what intimacy means on your terms.

Whether you’re in a partnership or on your own, sex therapy offers a mirror to look inward and say, “What do I truly want, and how do I want to feel?”

-According to LaShonda

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Ready to Explore a Healthier, More Fulfilling Intimate Life?

If any part of this post resonated with you, consider this your invitation to take the next step. Whether you’re looking to reconnect with your partner, heal from past experiences, or simply understand yourself better—sex therapy can help.

🌿 Book a consultation
📩 Have questions? Reach out—I’m here to support you.
📚 Follow this blog for ongoing insights about intimacy, emotional wellness, and sexual health

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About the Author

I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor, currently practicing as a Sex Therapist under supervision. I’m also a Ph.D. student in Clinical Sexology, with a passion for helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of intimacy, healing, and connection. My work centers on trauma-informed care, mood disorders, and intimacy-related challenges.

Your journey toward a deeper connection—with yourself and others—starts now. And you don’t have to walk it alone.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a highly effective, evidence-based therapy designed to help individuals process distressing memories and emotional wounds. Whether you’ve experienced trauma, struggle with anxiety, or face other emotional challenges, EMDR offers a structured and innovative approach to healing.

What is EMDR?

EMDR is a psychotherapy modality developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR focuses on reprocessing traumatic or distressing memories by utilizing bilateral stimulation—typically guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory cues. This approach allows the brain to reprocess memories in a way that reduces their emotional intensity and helps individuals integrate them in a healthier manner.

How Does EMDR Work?

EMDR therapy is typically structured into eight phases:

1. History and Treatment Planning – Your therapist gathers information about your past experiences, current challenges, and therapy goals.
2. Preparation – You’ll learn coping strategies to manage distress and ensure emotional safety throughout the process.
3. Assessment – The therapist helps you identify specific target memories, along with negative beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations associated with them.
4. Desensitization – Bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements) is used while you focus on the distressing memory, allowing the brain to reprocess the experience.
5. Installation – Positive beliefs and adaptive thoughts are reinforced to replace negative associations.
6. Body Scan – The therapist helps you assess any lingering physical tension related to the memory to ensure full emotional processing.
7. Closure – The session is closed with grounding techniques to restore a sense of calm and stability.
8. Reevaluation – Progress is reviewed in subsequent sessions to determine if additional processing is needed.

Who Can Benefit from EMDR?

EMDR is widely used to treat a variety of psychological conditions, including:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Anxiety and panic disorders
• Depression
• Phobias
• Grief and loss
• Chronic pain
• Self-esteem and performance-related issues

The Science Behind EMDR

Research suggests that EMDR helps the brain process traumatic memories by mimicking the natural healing that occurs during REM sleep. When traumatic memories are stuck in the brain’s fight-or-flight response, EMDR allows you to be integrated properly, reducing emotional distress and allowing for adaptive resolution.

What to Expect in an EMDR Session

During an EMDR session, you’ll work with me to target distressing memories while engaging in bilateral stimulation. You won’t be required to talk extensively about your trauma, as EMDR focuses more on reprocessing rather than verbal recounting. Many clients report feeling a significant reduction in emotional distress and an increased sense of resilience after a series of sessions with me.

Is EMDR Right for You?

If you’re struggling with trauma, anxiety, or emotional distress, EMDR may be a powerful tool for your healing journey. As a licensed EMDR therapist, I can assess your needs and determine whether this approach is suitable for you.

Final Thoughts

EMDR has transformed the lives of many individuals, Including ME, providing lasting relief from emotional wounds that may have seemed impossible to heal. If you or someone you know is considering therapy, exploring EMDR as an option could be the first step toward greater emotional well-being.

If you’re interested in learning more about EMDR or seeking therapy, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

 

Happy New Year!

I am so happy to see another year and have another opportunity to live my best life by being intentional, practicing self love, and taking better care of my health, which includes, my mental health.

Its ironic that I stated that I have another opportunity to “live my best life.”

Let me start there. 

Everyone is out here living their best life, huh?  Trust me, as cliche as it sounds, I love the concept , heck, I’m jamming to Lil Duval’s Smile, now.

Lets talk about our best life.  Are we really out here living our best life? Do we really even know what that means?  Most probably don’t and truthfully, to each his/her own, because it’s their life, free from judgement, right?

Lets look at the lyrics of Smile, by Lil Duval featuring Snoop Dog and Ball Greezy. I’m going to have one question for each “bar,” how important is this to your mental health?

“I’m living my best life, Ain’t going back and forth with you (explicit).”  When I first heard this song, I was wowed!  I thought “isn’t this the truth.”  I refuse to go back and forth with people about things that won’t even matter, one year or even better,  ten days from now.  I use to allow these conversations to go on forever trying to prove my point. Or what I call, thinning and proving something, that in the big scheme of things, doesn’t even matter. But it affected me so much it raised my blood pressure. Now, how important is this to your mental health? We know that healthy debate is good for the soul and relationship development. However, when the healthy debate goes wrong, no one is listening, and yea, basically we’re just going back and forth with each other. Temper flares, heart rates increase, harsh words are exchanged, and nothing is accomplished. Leaving the conversation feeling drained and worn out, makes me just want to go home and isolate myself.  I’m questioning my communication skills and the argument plays in my head over and over again. So yes, in order for me to live my best life, I had to learn to let some stuff go.  I can’t control everything and that’s okay.  I rather maintain my sanity than win a conversation about nothingness with increased anxiety.

Now, “if you breathing, you achieving.”  Hmmm, in a sense, I can dig that.  I was blessed to see another day.  A lot of folks didn’t wake up this morning, so i’m doing one better than a lot of people in this situation .   I have much to be grateful for, right?  But is it really achieving?   Now, how important is this to your mental health? Some people who suffer from depression, wake up daily fighting to get themselves motivated enough to take  a shower and open the windows to let in sunlight. They don’t see breathing as an achievement.  They look at breathing as one more thing that they are struggling to get right in their lives.  Achievement is equated to positive movements in life and being depressed, can contributes to lack of motivation to do things that most people enjoy or do the necessary things we need to do, like breathe.  So yes, its sounds good to say “If you breathing, you achieving,”  but on the other hand, when you are suffering from depression, breathing is more complicated and undesirable, to some.

I’m going to wrap it up here with “you got a lot to be smiling for, so what the (explicit) you be wylin for?'”  If you can translate that sentence, you are doing better than most of us already but hey, I interpret it as saying, you have a lot of good things going on in your life, so why are you tripping off the minor stuff.  I may be off with my interpretation but it is called According to LaShonda.  Every day we are told to be grateful for what we have because there are a  lot of people that are less fortunate than we are but its doesn’t make our issues, less important.  Now, how important is this to your mental health?  Society tries to dictate how a person should feel, think, or behave based off the responsibilities, responses, or actions of others.  We all have the same 24 hours right? We all put on our pants the same way ( one leg at a time), right?  So why can’t we just appreciate and work with the cards that we were dealt?  The answer is simple, because we don’t have to! Yes, we share the same 24 hours but every second is different.  And there is more than one way to put on your pants, especially if you have no legs to stand on, literally and figuratively.   Basically, the point I’m trying to make is this, people are entitled to feel and think as they choose.  Negating their feelings by comparing it to others, who lives appear to be less fortunate, doesn’t take away the value of what a person is feeling at a particular point in their life.

If I am to live my best life,  I must learn how to live without the opinions and constraints of this world.  I must learn to set boundaries and execute the plans for my life.  I must learn to not let the opinions of others drive me to my next decision, good or bad.  I must grab the horns of life and ride it like no one is watching.  I must command the peace I need in my life, and live my life authentically, according to ME!

What are some of your thoughts about living your best life?  Is it a realistic outlook? What are you doing to ensure that you can live the best life possible?

I’ve provided a link to an article published by Chopra Center on 10 tips on how to live your best life. Check it out.  https://chopra.com/articles/how-to-live-your-best-life

-According to LaShonda

 

With the recent passing of Chanel, my 9-year-old Shih Tzu,  year 3 approaching of our Mother’s transition to heaven and with Mother’s Day approaching, I wanted to have a discussion about GRIEF.

 

So that we are clear, grief is not just associated with the death of someone from the physical realm. Grief is also associated with any loss that you deem is significant in your life. It could be the loss of a job or a relationship and yes, a pet.

 

People typically have an idea of what grief should look like and how people should deal with grief. In all honesty, even people who have experienced grief in their lives, can’t tell you how or what you should feel. Their relationship with that person, place, or thing they are grieving,  doesn’t look or feel the same as the  person they are grieving, because relationships that we expect to be the same  across the board, never really is case.

Every relationship has a value. Every relationship looks different and feels different to everyone, including myself. So, don’t assumed that you know what I’m going through because you loss your mother or a pet as well.  It’s just not the same.

Now that I got that out, I want to talk briefly about 3 concepts. They are Bereavement, Grief, and Mourning.

Bereavement is what happens to you. It’s the actual loss. The losing of a love one or a thing of value to you.

Grief is what you feel. It’s the emotional, physical, behavioral, cognitive and social response.  It’s like the crying, sadness, the isolation, the acting out, and the decision making. Even the preoccupation with a specific thing, can be considered as grief.

The Mourning is what you do. The showing of great sorrow and sadness and regret for the loss of someone. Also in an outward act that is recognized around the world, in wearing of black.

 

In textbook terms, what does the cycle look like look?

 

What I’m about to say or describe doesn’t happen for everyone or in this particular order or at particular time, but some experience it at some interval in this life process.

Shock & numbness occurs immediately following the death. There may be denial. I can remember this phase clearly. And I sometimes find myself back in denial, because I don’t want to accept my current reality. Sometimes I’m numb to death around me.

Protest stage is where the shock becomes heightened, you feel angry, you yearn for the person who died and you are preoccupied with thoughts of them. This stage I experienced the longest amount of time after the death of my mom.

Disorganization, where there is a loss of interest in normal daily activities, depression, apathy, lethargy, restlessness, aimlessness, confusion, withdrawal. Sleep disturbances, crying, irritability is also seen.

Eventually there is reorganization, where things start to come together again. You start to look forward to doing some of the activities you used to enjoy. You start to try new things and find meaning in the death. You may experience guilt in here too. I personally felt like I shouldn’t be enjoying my life because my mother isn’t here to share in those moments. My guilt was horrible. I even have guilt with the loss of dog.

Then you move into recovery, where a new “normal” comes about.  I call it my new normal. Life, to me, will never be same as I had to recreate a new life. A new way of doing things.

At any one of these stages we could move into deterioration. We may be going along fine, and something will trigger us and we end up “going backward”. I’m numb some days. I cried a lot, criticized myself, felt guilty, and still experience sleep disturbances. But then I regulate my emotions by not being preoccupied with the death (how it occurred) but the with Life of the love one that is no longer present with me in the physical realm.

 

In essence, grief is a lifelong process. I’ve been grieving pretty much since I was 12 years old, when my oldest brother was murdered. I cry often when I think of him. Or relationships I had with others, that miss.

It’s not a bad thing to experience grief. It’s a natural and can be a very healthy process.

 

If your symptoms are too much for you handle, please immediately consider grief counseling.

Let me know how you feel about the stages of grief or even if you would like to share your experiences with handling grief.

-According to LaShonda